My happiness is important.

I've been happier this week.  Does it matter?  I used to think that happiness, wasn't important.  It was hedonistic and selfish.  But I don't think that anymore.

I've been doing things just simply because I want to do them.  It's not because I have to do them, or somebody else wants me to do them, it's because I want to do them.

And I don't think that's selfish or hedonistic.  I don't think it's wrong in anyway.

What is the point of life?  I know that question has been asked hundreds of times, but really what is the point?

I don't think that happiness is the point of live.  I don't think it's the most important thing, but unlike the me of the past, the me of now does think it's important.

I always thought that the happiness of other people was important.  But what about me?  Isn't my happiness important.

I think it is.

I didn't have a Christmas

Boxing Day.

It just doesn't seem like Christmas is over yet.  For me it's not over, anyway, because right now as I write this it's almost 11:00 on Christmas Day night.

For you, reading this, it's Boxing Day, and the big day of Christmas is over.

For me.  Well Christmas wasn't a big day today.  There was no Christmas dinner, no friends and family, and no presents.  My father fixed the kitchen chairs that were falling apart and then went to Christmas dinner at my cousins house.  We all got a last minute invitation (like 2 hours before it started invitation), but my mother didn't want to go.  I sort of wanted to go.  The turkey, stuffing and gravy beckoned me.  But my mother was sick, and it seemed cruel to leave her alone on Christmas Day.

We haven't actually spent a proper Christmas in 3 years.  Ever since her Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus reared it's ugly head, Mom has wanted nothing to do with Christmas.  She doesn't want to cook, and she doesn't want to visit.  She gets tired out too easily, and doesn't want to have anything to do with large family gatherings.

And so, we've canceled Christmas - doing things like going out to eat, or just having small family gatherings with a small non-christmas like supper.  We haven't shopped for gifts, and we've given money to the only child in the family instead of bought presents.  (He loves getting hundreds of dollars at Christmas time, and a few days ago I asked if he missed getting presents, but he backed away and said he'd rather have the money.)  We haven't put up a tree or decorated in any way.  We haven't made any Christmas baking, or gone to any Christmas parties.

And if I were being honest, I'd say I miss it.  I'd say that I really want to exchange presents, and have Christmas supper, and spend all day together, doing all sorts of things like we used to.

But I'm not honest.  I tell Mom, that it's ok.  That I'd rather not have Christmas either.

I search out ways to make it Christmas just for myself, like saying Merry Christmas, and singing Happy Birthday to Jesus in the morning.  But it just doesn't seem like Christmas.  It seems like Christmas has been canceled and apart of me is resentful that Mom insists on cancelling every year for three years in a row.

And next Christmas....  Well I don't know if I'll have the guts to say "I want Christmas.", but if I was being honest, I would have even said it this year.

Yes I am arguing semantics.

"You're arguing semantics", something said to me in a very authoritative and unfriendly tone of voice.

I was 19 years old, and going college.  I didn't know what semantics were, and I asked.

The answer: "What you're doing right now."

That didn't help at all, and it ruined my line of thought.  I still didn't agree, but didn't know what I was doing wrong in the discussion.

~

Semantics, is the agreement of the meanings of words and phrases, and although somebody seem to think arguing semantics, is trivial or wrong, it is very important.

If two people are ever going to discuss anything they, better agree on semantics.  If those same two people, don't agree on semantics, or don't know that they disagree on semantics, misunderstands, hurt feelings, and anger will result.

Have you ever had a discussion with somebody, only to realize you were both saying the same thing, in different ways but didn't know it.  It's because you didn't agree on the semantics.

Language and communication, hinges on agreed semantics.  If I think that the wet stuff that is coming from the sky is called snow, but somebody else thinks it's called rain, our resulting conversation about it, will be confusing to both of us.  And conversely, if I think that a car is anything that has four wheels and drives, but somebody else thinks a car must be a sedan, than we will be talking about two different things when we talk about cars.  The problem is, if we don't agree not the semantics before hand, both of us, will be confused.  Arguments can result in angered upon semantics.  Hurt feelings, broken friendship and resentments can result from arguments.

If you took it further, and nobody ever agreed on semantics, nobody would understand what anybody was saying.  It would be like everybody speaking a separate language.  Understanding each other depends on us all having the same understanding of the meanings of words and phrases.  If for instance, I say "Let's watch TV", but somebody else interprets that as "Let's go swimming", somebodies going to look awfully silly, coming out of the bathroom in a bathing suit.

~

Back to that person in college.  Essentially, with his authoritative and unfriendly tone, he either didn't understand what semantics were himself, or he was trying to confuse me, because he didn't have an answer to what I was trying to say.

And best response to the statement "You're arguing semantics.", is "You bet I am."

I want my $15 back.

A strange thing happened today.

I went to the grocery store, bought $45 worth of stuff, gave the clerk 3 twenties, and then....

The clerk put the money in the drawer and walked away.

No change.

No "Thank you for shopping at ______."

No nothing.

I stood there with my wallet open, and my grocery cart and stared, but he was gone.

I left the store, wondered the mall, picked up my groceries from parcel pick up, and then...

I didn't know.  $15.  I can absorb that, and I didn't want to make a big fuss.  The idea of forgiveness vrs getting even played over and over in my head.  I used to always try to forgive and turn the other cheek.

But I just didn't want to.  So I took my receipt, marked into the store, asked for the manager and told her what happened.  She said she'd do an audit of the till and phone me back.  I gave my name and phone number and left.

But still...

It's the weirdest thing.  I've never had that happen before.  I'm not sure what to think or feel about it.

Astonishment.  Anger.  Hurt.  Revenge.  Confusion.

And part of me is hoping he gets fired or reprimanded.

Another part of me thinks I'm never going to get that $15 back.  I gave her the receipt, and now I have no prove it happened.

The store will lose a lot more than $15 in the future, because I'm not ever going to shop there again, and a life time of groceries is a lot more than $15.  If that guy does it to other people, the store will start wondering why people aren't going there anymore.

Please see me?

"Why can't I talk with you?"  My Dad asked.

The answer: because you don't allow me to disagree.  You talk until I do agree or leave the room, but you don't shut up until I say "Yes Dad your right."

I don't think that is my role in life - 100% total agreement with my father.

I am a person of my own, with my own thoughts and feelings and until he recognizes that, he won't truly know me.  I wish he did.  But he can't, because he can't see past his desire for adoration and total agreement.