Friday 1 January 2016

Happy New Years

It's that time of year again, when we change our calendars not just from one month to the next, but from one year to the next.

I will start writing the date as 2015, then cross it out and write 2016 beside or over top of the original year.  This will continue for about a week, until I'm totally used to writing 2016.

It's the time that people naturally think of change. The year is changing, the calendar is changing, other people are writing resolutions, so why shouldn't I change.

This year I'm not going to write or even think about a single resolution.  Resolutions are a set up for failure.  If I write a resolution it's usually very complicated.  One year I wrote how much weight I wanted to lose, followed by a month by month progress of how much weight I would lose by the beginning of each month, and what I would do that month to lose that weight.  By the time Feb 1 came around, I had already failed.

I don't want to fail this year, and I don't even want to try.

I know that sounds defeatists, because even as I wrote it I second guessed myself, but I have a reason.

Right now, in my life, I'm already feeling inadequate.  I am having a very hard time dealing with live, and I just can't set myself up for failure this year.  Before Mom was sick, we had a house fire, then when Mom got sick, were still unpacking all of the stuff after moving back into our house.  As Mom got worse and worse, I quit unpacking altogether.  Now our house looks horrible.  I don't think it will ever get clean.  And I've given up.

Sometimes brushing my teeth, washing my face and getting dressed in the morning is too much work and I simply don't do it.  In the last 4 years we've had several tragedies that in and of themselves are unusual and horrible to live through, but we've just had horrific luck, and have had them pile on us.  Through them all I've been coping, but I've reached a point where I can't be strong for anybody else, and I can't try to change anything either.  I'm not going to try.

This year, there won't be any resolutions from me.  This year, I'm going to not try to change a thing.

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