Miss Queen Bee has lost her looks

I saw an old classmate the other day.  I didn't say hi, because I had nothing I wanted to say to her.

She was the "pretty" girl, that all the boys liked. She was the Queen Bee, that lead the class with cruelty.  She actually shared that roll with another girl, and together the two of them, thought they were smarter, better looking, and just all around more deserving than anybody else in class.  They decided who was popular and who was not.

And I was not popular.

I'm not going to name her.  That would just be bullying.

I will however, contradict myself.  Before Christmas I posted I want to live in a world where empathy and love are more important that weight and beauty and I still do.  But this week...

Well I saw this Queen Bee, and she's as fat, dopey, and ugly.  Now don't get me wrong.  I also said in A relationship can not be based on looks because looks don't last post that I had gained weight, and I have.

This brings about contradictory feelings.  One one hand I still want to live in a world where empathy and love are more important that weight and beauty, but on the other hand, I'm very satisfied that Miss Popular is no long the "pretty girl".  She's rather unattractive.  Very dopey looking actually.  In fact her outsides are almost as ugly as her insides.

Today she'd lose the popularity contest both in looks, and in empathy and love, because believe me she never had empathy or love and now she doesn't have looks either.

And does that mean I don't have empathy or love either?  Because I'm certainly not feeling it for Miss No-longer-pretty.

Instead it seems like poetic justice.

Oh and just so you know - the idea that every girl is either a Queen Bee or a Wanna Bee, is completely wrong.  I never wanted to be this girls friend, or in the popular crowd because they were mean vicious girls that I didn't like.  I didn't want to be like them, didn't want to be friends with them, and didn't want anything to do with them.  If being in the popular crowd meant hanging around with these girls, I didn't want it.  I was neither a Queen Bee or a Wanna Bee.  That's just a lie the mean girls want to believe to make themselves more important.

I want to live in a world where empathy and love are more important than weight and beauty.

I'm looking forward to a time, when people aren't judged by things that don't matter.

If everybody in the world was skinny, would the world improve?  Imagine.  The so-called obesity epidemic is over.  Everybody magically lost weight.  Would the world improve?  Would all the wars end?  Would refugees be able to go home?  Would illness, homelessness, and domestic abuse end?

No.  Yet somehow we think our lives will improve.  Why?

If everybody turned beautiful, would the world improve?  Would you're live improve if you never had to look at an ugly person again?  Every woman had her cinderella storey, in which some fairy godmother came around, and gave her beauty, would child abuse end?  What about the school drop out rates?  Childhood poverty?  Would any of it change?

No.  Yet somehow people spend an inordinate amount of time and money,  changing our looks.  But why?  Does it help anybody?  Does an ugly person make the world even worse by being ugly?

Why do we judge each other on superficial things?

I once listened to a radio interview, in which they were discussing "that over-weight singer Adele."  They didn't discuss her singing, her accomplishments or anything.  They just talked about her weight.  As if that made any difference.

We judge each other on weight, beauty, race, gender, sexual-orientation, health, wealth, and a whole bunch of other things we can't change about ourselves.

Why?  If we were all the same would we quit fighting?

Why don't we judge each other on love, kindness, gentleness, empathy, understanding, and how we treat each other?

I want to live in that world.  The one where empathy and kindness are valued more than beauty and weight.  The one where love for others comes with privilege, not being white and male.

I want to live in a world, where domestic abuse is more of a crime than being black.  Where those who have power are the ones that earned it by their kindness, instead of bought it by their money.  Where somebody like Donald Trump isn't even considered good enough for leadership, because he's racist and sexist.  Where the term "but she has a good personality" doesn't exist.

Because what's wrong with having a good personality?

I want to be my own friend.

I want to accept myself as I am.  I don't want to think I'm too anything or not enough anything.  Constantly, throughout the day I'm thinking "If only I were this...."

But would being this or that, or just different in any way, make anybody's live any better?  Am I really that bad?

I haven't murdered anybody.  I've never even done a crime?  I got a speeding ticket, once, but that hardly counts me as a criminal.

I try to treat others as I want to be treated.  I'm empathetic, and understanding.  Isn't that enough?

Do I have to be skinnier, richer, more successful, more connected or more anything to make life better?  Would my life be better?  Would your life be better?  Would anybody else's life be better if I was prettier, more athletic, and better at training my dog (she doesn't bite or anything - she just doesn't sit or stay or anything 100% of the time).

I don't think so.  So why do I spend so much of my day, finding imaginary faults, and tearing myself apart?

I want to love myself exactly as I am.  I want to accept myself exactly as I am.  I want to be happy with who I am and what I've done, and not do anything to change anything about myself.

But...  I was told that was pride, and pride is wrong.

But really how wrong is pride?  And just what is pride?  Isn't it ok, if I quit being my own critic, and start being my own friend?

Because really what I say to myself, in my head, where nobody else can hear, are things I would never say to anybody else.  I don't treat myself as a friend.  But I want to start.

I want to tell myself "yes you can do it", and "you're wonderful", and "good job" and other such encouraging and loving things.

And isn't that ok?

Who says I have to treat myself as an enemy?