Can non-transgendered people live an authentic life?

Ever since I found out about transgender people, I have been very interested in them.  I thought of using the word obsessed, but it's not obsession, it's interest.  It's the same kind of interest I had when I read one of Elizabeth Kubler Ross's books.  I became very interested in everything she wrote, and read all of her books in less than a month.  Was it obsession?  I don't think so.  I just like to learn.

Anyways moving on.

I wondered why?  Why was I so interested in transgender people?  I watched countless youtube videos, I bought the show "I am Jazz" on iTunes, and I sought out information.

Was I transgendered?  No.

Was I gay?  No.

I kept asking myself these questions, but the answers to all of them remain the same.  I am a heterosexual female who very much loves being a women.  When I first heard about "penis envy", in a first year psychology class, I thought "ew.  Who would ever want a penis?"  I just couldn't understand, and decided then and there that Freud was an idiot.  I still think Freud was an idiot, for that and other reasons....  Moving on again...

So if I wasn't transgendered, wasn't gay, and didn't fit on the LGBT community in anyway, why was I so facinated with the transgender idea?

And I think I've found an answer.  Tonight I was watching yet another set of videos done by yet another transgender person about transitioning and being transitioned, and I figured it out.

It's the authentic lifestyle that attracts me.

I spend much of my day being afraid.  I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing, of making the wrong decision, of saying the wrong thing, and of countless other things.

Last week Mom took hamburger out of the deep freeze and said "I defrosted hamburger, make anything you want" (I do 90% of the cooking).  I couldn't decide.  Spaghetti, tacos, and hamburgers raced through my mind.  I had no idea.  The hamburger sat in the fridge for two days while I agonized over what to make.  I couldn't do it, and in the end, I put it back in the freezer, and went out a bought hamburgers.  It's still in the freezer, and it should be defrosted again.  But....

Yesterday I started to do something I've wanted to do for a long time.  I am a comic book fan, and I wanted to sort my comic book stories by writer.  The week before I bought multiple comic books of the same kind, cut them up, and put all pages of the same stories together.  And then....  What?  What's the right way to make a scrapbook of comic book stories, categorized by writer?  What kind of scrapbook should I use?  Should I make comments about which writer I like better, or just leave it?  What order should I put the stories in?  Should I use tape or glue?

I was almost in tears, before I just got up and announced "I'll finish this tomorrow".  And then today, when I did start it again, I did decide, but even as I did it, I continually questioned if I even should be doing it?  It's not helping anybody?  It's not in any way serving anybody else and making anybody else's live better?  Maybe I should be cleaning instead?  Maybe I should be doing this or that, or there were several other things I could have been doing.  I felt so anxious about doing the wrong thing.  I didn't enjoy it at all, and yet it was something I wanted to do for months.

And maybe that's it.  Maybe I'm not living my own authentic life?  Maybe transgender people who so bravely, announce that they are going to be who they want to be and do what they want to do, even when others don't want them to, are giving me hope.  They announce who they really are, and then just be are who they really are.

And if I did that, I wouldn't be saying "hey I'm a boy", because really I am a girl, have always known I was a girl, and always wanted to be a girl.

But I would be saying "I like comics", and "I'm going to be a writer", and "I'm not your servant", and "I'm doing what I want to do, and I know you don't want me to do it, but I'm doing it anyway", and "my live is going to be about making me happy (just a little bit), and although I still love you, I can't dedicate my life to making you happy anymore".

And maybe those transgender stories, that I watch again and again, are telling me I can do it.  Those stories never end in "I wish I'd never done it.  Others was right.  I am a boy/girl."  They always end "I'm so happy I decided to live an authentic live".

Would I be that happy?

I want to be my own friend.

I want to accept myself as I am.  I don't want to think I'm too anything or not enough anything.  Constantly, throughout the day I'm thinking "If only I were this...."

But would being this or that, or just different in any way, make anybody's live any better?  Am I really that bad?

I haven't murdered anybody.  I've never even done a crime?  I got a speeding ticket, once, but that hardly counts me as a criminal.

I try to treat others as I want to be treated.  I'm empathetic, and understanding.  Isn't that enough?

Do I have to be skinnier, richer, more successful, more connected or more anything to make life better?  Would my life be better?  Would your life be better?  Would anybody else's life be better if I was prettier, more athletic, and better at training my dog (she doesn't bite or anything - she just doesn't sit or stay or anything 100% of the time).

I don't think so.  So why do I spend so much of my day, finding imaginary faults, and tearing myself apart?

I want to love myself exactly as I am.  I want to accept myself exactly as I am.  I want to be happy with who I am and what I've done, and not do anything to change anything about myself.

But...  I was told that was pride, and pride is wrong.

But really how wrong is pride?  And just what is pride?  Isn't it ok, if I quit being my own critic, and start being my own friend?

Because really what I say to myself, in my head, where nobody else can hear, are things I would never say to anybody else.  I don't treat myself as a friend.  But I want to start.

I want to tell myself "yes you can do it", and "you're wonderful", and "good job" and other such encouraging and loving things.

And isn't that ok?

Who says I have to treat myself as an enemy?