Dear Judger

   I know what you think of me.  Don't you think I know what those looks mean as I walk by?  How you can't quite look in my eyes, or worse you look at me with distain.

   I know.  Really I do.  You don't have to tell me, but sometimes you just can't resist can you?  Does being in the post office, looking at the mail I got for the day, somehow invite you to say rude things to me?

   Are you that stupid, that you think I've invited your remarks?  Do you think I actually want to hear what you say?  Do you think you're comment's will change anything?  Make me exactly what you want me to be?

   Would that make you happier?  Me, being everything you expect, would that improve your life in anyway?  I don't think so.  You'd just go on to the next person, you thought wasn't following your rules, and be just as unhappy about them?

   But maybe it's not about changing me?  Maybe you don't care if I want to hear what you say?  Maybe the aim is to hurt?  Do you like seeing the look of astonished hurt on my face?  Do you like it when I can't think of something to say?

   I try to be nice....  Say something polite back.  I don't want to be as nasty as you.

  Why are you that way?  What do you get out of it?

  I'll tell you this much: I despise you as much as you despise me.  I never wanted to be your friend?  I know you think, everybody loves you.  I know you shine bright at the top of your peak.  I know you think everybody wanted to be in the popular crowd.  There's even that book "Queen Bee's and Wanna Bee's."  But guess what!

   That book is a lie.  I never wanted to be you, and I never wanted to be your friend.  I thought you were a mean little bitch, and I knew you'd just as much back stab your friends as you would me.

   I'm polite, not because I like you, or because I'm still afraid of you.  I'm polite because I don't want to be you.  I never did.  You're mean, hateful, rude and everything nasty.

  I'm empathetic, kind, generous, and everything good.

  Why would I want to be like you?

Miss Queen Bee has lost her looks

I saw an old classmate the other day.  I didn't say hi, because I had nothing I wanted to say to her.

She was the "pretty" girl, that all the boys liked. She was the Queen Bee, that lead the class with cruelty.  She actually shared that roll with another girl, and together the two of them, thought they were smarter, better looking, and just all around more deserving than anybody else in class.  They decided who was popular and who was not.

And I was not popular.

I'm not going to name her.  That would just be bullying.

I will however, contradict myself.  Before Christmas I posted I want to live in a world where empathy and love are more important that weight and beauty and I still do.  But this week...

Well I saw this Queen Bee, and she's as fat, dopey, and ugly.  Now don't get me wrong.  I also said in A relationship can not be based on looks because looks don't last post that I had gained weight, and I have.

This brings about contradictory feelings.  One one hand I still want to live in a world where empathy and love are more important that weight and beauty, but on the other hand, I'm very satisfied that Miss Popular is no long the "pretty girl".  She's rather unattractive.  Very dopey looking actually.  In fact her outsides are almost as ugly as her insides.

Today she'd lose the popularity contest both in looks, and in empathy and love, because believe me she never had empathy or love and now she doesn't have looks either.

And does that mean I don't have empathy or love either?  Because I'm certainly not feeling it for Miss No-longer-pretty.

Instead it seems like poetic justice.

Oh and just so you know - the idea that every girl is either a Queen Bee or a Wanna Bee, is completely wrong.  I never wanted to be this girls friend, or in the popular crowd because they were mean vicious girls that I didn't like.  I didn't want to be like them, didn't want to be friends with them, and didn't want anything to do with them.  If being in the popular crowd meant hanging around with these girls, I didn't want it.  I was neither a Queen Bee or a Wanna Bee.  That's just a lie the mean girls want to believe to make themselves more important.